"Somebody I Used to Know" by Gotye (featuring Kimbra)
on the ghosts of relationships past
as my sister faces down the process
of letting go of not just a person,
but a part of herself.
I don't look back
with any kind of regret
or with eyes set on "the one that got away."
But I do look back
with a reverence for the people
who have shared their lives with me
and the emotions that accompany
the advent of loss.
Of that slow, empty burn.
Shedding skin
that feels with different nerve endings,
raises into goosebumps in response
to a different touch
and is excited
by a different passion.
Renewed and exhilarated,
but excruciatingly exposed and bare.
Moving further away
but with each step
wanting to turn back,
run back,
to something that no longer exists,
or that may have never existed.
Hopelessly lost,
but magnificently unburdened.
Pulling clothes out of a closet that
you had washed and dried and folded
for years
and throwing them into a box,
trying not to smell them,
but happy to be rid of them.
With a feeling always lingering in your throat
that threatens gulping sobs
and hot tears
all for something you no longer want.
There's a moment where it all becomes so acute.
So final.
When you have what you need,
but are angry that what you had once hoped for
is now gone.
When you have what you want,
but the cleanness of that slate is almost unbearable.
In part, because it isn't really clean yet.
What lies ahead of you is all
gloriously uncharted territory,
but what lies behind you haunts you at every turn.
Driving and
passing places where the two of you laughed,
places where you sat in contented silence,
places where you fought,
places where you looked
through lenses that you can no longer find,
or perhaps have no desire to find.
But each act of separation,
each box that is packed,
each daily reality that becomes a memory,
each feeling that melts away and can't be evoked again,
each change in habit,
each change in association,
carves a different path
that becomes clearer
and brighter
and easier to walk down.
Until eventually,
you start running
and are far enough away
that you can
(hopefully)
turn around and smile for what was
and what is.
